I've been watching a lot of cable news recently and it's become clear to me that you don't need to be good at producing a cable news show in order to produce a cable news show. With that in mind, I took a shot at making my own.
I've been sick all week, so I haven't been able to go out for walks or even write, like I normally do in the daytime. I've been forced to watch daytime television instead. You know, even as I sit and stare at my TV which can now give me any episode of any show from all time at any moment when I want it, I still can't help but put on the network soap operas when I'm home sick. There's something about these shows that just makes sick people feel better.
Here's my version of a soap opera. This one's about rich jerks in Orange County.
-- L. H. October 2016
Over the weekend, my daughter took her daughter to a chess tournament upstate which we knew would last all weekend. I got hungry so I decided to drive out to the store, which is my god-given right, regardless of what the State of California says I can and can't see on their stupid eye-test.
I ended up getting pulled over for doing 35 in a footpath through an abandoned park. I'm out on bail, and representing me in court is a lovely young man from the Public Defenders office. This month, I decided to write a script about these brave lawyers.
-- L.H. September 2016
It irks me that so much of our history, and indeed of the stories we tell each other, focuses on the rich. There was a long time where the rich where the only people who could afford to have their lives recorded in words. This is why so many of the stories that survive from Medieval times focus on kings and queens and their courts.
This month I decided to write a show set in a medieval fantasy universe, but which focuses on the poor, unwashed, smelly characters, instead of the royal court.
-- L.H. July 2016
You might not know this just by reading my work, but I rock pretty hard. When I'm not writing, or helping my daughter around the house, I like to go to my room and crank up some hardcore, classic heavy metal and rock. I love some of Metallica's albums and hate most of them with the burning passion of a thousand suns.
This is a show where Metallica solves mysteries while driving around the country in a van.
-- L. H. June 2016
There's nothing I love more than a good buddy-cop movie. Well, nothing except my daughter. And my granddaughter. And like the earth and all the beautiful people on it and the stuff it does like sunsets. And sunrises? Forget about it. Oh and I love how dry cleaning smells and Dax Shepard and Kristen Bell.
Now that I'm really thinking about it, there's a lot of things I love more than a good buddy-cop movie. Anyway, this is an idea for a buddy-cop TV show.
-- L.H. May 2016
This month, I found myself thinking about nostalgia. Perhaps it was because an old friend from my Hollywood days stopped by for a visit. I hadn't seen Sandy much in the past 30 years, but we still got along great. We spent the afternoon sharing stories about the old days and eating as many bagels as we could.
It occurred to me that there is an ideal time when nostalgia tends to peak, and that time is about 30 years. Many of the most successful television shows in history have tapped in to the fact that many people tend to look back favorably on 30-years-ago. (Most notably "Happy Days".) This month is my attempt to do the same.
-- L.H. April 2016
The other day I went to the movies with my granddaughter and my daughter. They wanted to see some big-budget monstrosity of a film about some sort of technicolor melodrama superheroes. I found the whole experience very distressing. Half the time, I was just getting bombarded with action sequences so un-tethered as to be inscrutable, and the other half felt like a history lesson for a country I've never heard of before.
But my two girls still loved it. Seems like a real cash-cow. So I decided to make my own version.
-- L.H. March 2016
A lot of people don't know this, but several members of the film crew were accidentally left behind after filming the first season of "Survivor." They managed to survive alone on the island for some time but by the time rescue crews arrived, it was too late. We know some of their story because they filmed themselves using some cameras and equipment that were left with them.
This is their story.
-- L.H. February 2016
This month, we brought in a guest writer! My granddaughter said she's tired of reading my boring old stories each week, and she said I had to go find a funnier writer to handle this month's script. So I did.
I liked this script as soon as I picked it up. I noticed that the name is kinda an acronym for one of the main characters and I was sold. Once I bothered to start reading the script, I was ecstatic to see that my love of acronyms had once again lead me to a fantastic, strange, crazy science fiction story.
-- L. H. January 2016
I don't like to speculate. It's one of the instincts that has kept me alive all these years. I never take bets on something that might not work out, always opting for the sure-thing. But this month, I decided to have a little fun. I wondered what it would be like if all the dead mothers from 80's Sitcoms were actually alive and they had adventures together.
Turns out, that would be pretty entertaining. Check out the script to see.
-- L.H. December 2015
I'm very excited about this month's script. I sat down and asked my granddaughter what her favorite television show was. She told me it was some British hospital show called "Dr. Who." I've never seen the show, and I decided not to let her explain it to me. Instead, I sat down and wrote an adaptation of the show for American audiences.
Like I said, I've never seen the original "Dr. Who." I'm assuming it's just a standard hospital drama, but it could be something else. Who knows? It doesn't really matter, though. When shows like this get adapted for a new audience, the only thing that really matters is the name. So I named the main character "Dr. Who," and that should be plenty.
- L.H. -- NOVEMBER
Earlier this month, my daughter hosted a family party with all the young cousins. A bunch of these kids are currently suffering from a bad case of a disease called "Being a teenage boy." My goodness. There's something about meeting a teenage boy that just rocks a man to his core. You're forced to just ponder... "Was I this terrible when I was their age? Was I ever their age? How old am I now?"
Anyway, I decided to make my own version of "Sesame Street," but to aim the show at teenagers. Hopefully, this show will by my way of passing on some wisdom to the younger generations.
- L.H. -- OCTOBER 2015